T as in Tantrum

A few years ago I was talking to a friend (I'll call her O) about
another friend's impending wedding plans. At the time, O expressed a
feeling of pain that was brought on by discussing these wedding plans. I
remember her saying it's too painful for me to be involved in these
plans, I am happy for the bride and I will show up for the wedding, but
I don't want to be told about plans, I just want to focus on me right
now. Her reaction baffled me until rencently cause I now perfectly
understand how she feels. I understand how you can desire something so
much that the meantime seems unbearable. I can understand why some women
just go with the first guy cause they just want companionship. O and I
had this conversation 6 years ago, when I was 24 and she was 30...today
I am 30 and somewhat walking in her shoos. Like her then, I am healthy,
educated, good job, good person, nice family and friends, overall good
life but can't seem to attract love and that is making me sad...I am sad
that I am beginning to fit the profile of these women who are
accomplished in all areas except romantic love. I am sad that I find
myself at a stage of my life where I need to make decisions concerning
my career, possible move oversease, etc., and I have no anchor, noone
else to take into consideration, nothing that ties me to anything. I
wish I had that soft place to fall on, someone to share with and care
for. Somehow I wish I could partake into the drama of juggling career,
family life, marital issues but this continues to elude me, even when I
feel so close to getting there with this guy seems to have walked right
out of my fantasies, but with whom nothing is taking off after almost a
year of hanging out... I guess I'm feeling discouraged with this whole
love thing to the point of starting to resent hearing about other
people's love stories... they are all just painful reminders of what I
am longing for. Like my friend O, I couldn't care less about what's
going on in other people's lives right now though I am happy for them
and wish everyone well...I just want certain things for myself right
now, and not having them makes me want to retreat even more. I feel this
way despite knowing all about positive thinking, faith and the
importance of acknowledging my blessings. I know I'm supposed give
myself the love I desire, and I do do that. I should focus on what you
have, give thanks for my blessings and be patient...I really do know all
this, well most of the time anyway but I have a hard time believing
these days. So I've decided to just accept where I am and how I feel,
which is to throw a little tantrum cause my prayers have not been
answered. I am just going to sit with my pain and longing and ride this
funk out. You're welcome to join my pity party or just watch. K.