2 weekends ago, I confidently shared my plan to take a break from
dieting and enjoy some good food with friends. Well I did that. Food
was great, company equally as good, but the break from dieting didn't
stop at the end of the week end...it's still kinda going on.
I've completely lost focus and I can't quite understand why. All I know
is that I just haven't had a care. All that food and sugar it contains
drained me of all enegergy, I slept for hours after consuming it and
still struggled to get out of bed. 2 weeks later, I am still struggling
to get back into the groove of things. I took a spinning class
yesterday, was a bit rough, but felt great. Today? I slept and didn't
bother working out. This needs to stop. I am carrying a good 30 extra
lbs that I DO NOT want on me at the end of this year. So it's time to
regroup and stay on this thing.I must make it happen tomorrow. MUST.
As the weekend turned...
Not escaping it...
A few days ago, I wrote to one of my blogger friends that I don't want to
hear about Valentine's day. That I'd pretend it doesn't exist. I might as
well, cause this holiday's never meant what society defines it to be for
me...Granted I've made it an occasion to celebrate myself and buy me some
flowers. I even made it a point to wear red on past valentine days but to
this day, it's just never worked out as a celebration of my romatic love
for someone. I've been ok with this, but I can feel it getting to me this
year...last year I felt a bit of excitement & hope. This year, zilch! I
didn't bother wearing red, though I am carrying a red tote bag, same one I
have for months so I suppose it can't count as a special expression of
love, lol. As much as I am trying to float above society's pressure, I know
I am a tad bothered by the fact that I am yet again single on this day. Add
to it my dissapointement at not receiving any special attention from my
"love interest" though I knew it was a far fetched hope. You would think
this knowledge would have stopped me from playing out in my mind how I was
gonna receive a call from him asking me to lunch today...and rehearsing how
I'd casually react to the invite as if I hadn't realize he was asking me
out on Valentine's day...on the off chance that this fantasy would actually
come true, I wore quite a flattering outfit that makes me feel great but
helas, no news from him as I sit here past 4.45PM.
Poor thing, why do I keep doing this to myself? hoping and expecting
things, when I have a good sense they won't materialize. So much projecting
and expecting...only to end up flattened like some pierced balloon....When
do I get to be totally content with my circumstances? When do I start truly
acting like I am and have enough? popular advice is that I need to love
myself, give myself the love I am craving...but I feel like I already have
pretty decent love for myself. I do loving things for myself, I'm kind to
me, I talk nice to me, so I dont believe that longing for romatic love
means I have issues. What's so wrong with wanting someone who choses me and
wants to be with me? is it really so wrong?
We now interrupt all dieting activities
Diets are about decisions. At each moment chosing the good versus the
easy. This week end I'm choosing the REAL guuud and tasty! Lol. The kind
of soul food I love, and I won't even feel bad about it. I'm having
guests over and making chicken yassa which is an uhm uhm good west
african meal.
I will workout hard on Sunday to stave off any potential weight gain.
That won't be hard cause I take an hour long spinning class on sundays
which I LOVE. It works me out so hard and leaves me with a great sense
of accomplishment and possibility... once I get that out of the way, you
better believe I will eat lots. The good thing about the lifestyle
change I've been on is that I've learned to manage these feasts. My
philosophy for getting thru them simply is: give yourself license to
enjoy the food by making sure you workout first and foremost. When
that's said and done, eat without feeling one ounce of guilt, then get
right back on track. So long as this one meal doesn't turn into one week
or a month of unhealthy choices, there won't be any lasting effect on my
body and I'd have had a great time. Good week end to all!
I am a doubt a minute!
I was gonna wait till tomorrow to blog but I'm tossing and turning in my bed...pondering things...so I figured I might as well blog now.
First of all, I hope everyone's having a great start of a week. So far so good on my side...I'm a little more assured this week so that can only be good. Laying in bed just a few mins ago, I was revisiting a conversation I had with my mum earlier today in which I kept negating
some positive assessment she was making of one of my situations...ok,ok, I'll say it, lol. She was telling me that she believes this guy I really like likes me a lot too, and I kept saying no no I don't think so. In the end, she asked, well do you not believe your dreams then? I responded no I don't anymore. She said, well ok then and left it at that. Reflecting back on this sentence a few mins ago, it dawned on me that this lack of belief on the cosmic and conscious realms really is
the recurring theme of my life... doubt in myself, life, what is promised to me, what I am worth, what I can do...it really is the source of every discomfort in my life. I mean even today my new boss told me that I should have warned him about something my gut had told me a week
ago...instead, I thought it wasn't my place and it would be inappropriate for me to say...again that ever present doubt, my most faithful companion, always there, never failing to limit me and raise up barriers...
So this is it. Every time I have felt bad in the past months, in fact the only times I felt bad, were when I let doubt get the best of me. Those are the times I dismiss my dreams as silly, unrealistic and unattainable. Dreams are so closely entertwined with hope, faith, joyful anticipation and excitement for the future-having them, believing in them means dwelling in possibility while eagerly awaiting their manifestation. But I'm so doubtful of them I wonder how I could truly
manifest them when I emanate such confusing signals. One day I'm assured, the next I can't possibly believe in any of them...yet I hold the belief that there is a reason certain dreams are placed in us, they are there because we can realize them...I must hold on to this belief and apply it to my daily life. I must learn to maintain positivity. I want to be consistently upbeat, fueled by some bold faith in possibility and an equally strong internal dialogue...I need to get to the root of my doubtfulness...I have strong reasons to believe the person who initiated this reflection today played an important part at the onset...gotta love our mothers, they were there at the beginning of EVERYTHING...lol.
I can see clearly now the rain is gone
It's actually pouring in the NYC area but the title has more to do with
the fact that I'm in much better spirits after yesterday's tantrum, lol.
Don't get me wrong, I am still yearning for romantic love and a number
of other things. I simply have a more positive outlook on things today
and that feels good. I don't mean to toot my own horn here but I must
really command myself for quickly coming out of that funk...this
bouncing back is directly attributable to all the work I've been doing
on myself in the past 2 years...I am constantly feeding myself powerful
principles, thriving to live by them, challenging my beliefs, molding
myself, creating and practicing new thought and behavioral patterns all
of which seems to be paying off! I seem to find comfort in my new
beliefs despite myself. It's as if I can't stay down for long. Picture a
boxing game between old and new thoughts, in which my old thinking and
way of being in the world just isn't a match to my news ways...so even
when I let my guards down, and catch a punch...when I allow negative
thoughts to creep in, my core isn't in agreement with the negativity so
I can't dwell in it too long. Something in me just rises up, my internal
dialogue shifts back towards more positive thoughts, I somehow stumble
on EXACTLY what I need to hear, see or read...and that wink from the
universe doesn't go unnoticed...so I bounce back and my faith is
restored...for now...cause I totally expect this tantrum to revisit at
some point, till I figure out how to be completely at peace with my life
as it is...I suppose this is life so I'll try to embrace it. I'm game,
lol. I must remember the saying that I have all the happiness that I
need, if I don't disturb it. Worrying, is totally disturbing my gifts of
peace serenity and happiness. It won't get me anywhere healthy....SO I
shall continue to flex my patience and surrender muscles...
I tell ya, everyday IS work!
