Lonely

Sitting on the bus, riding home...and this loneliness won't leave me
alone...all's well, nothing to complain about, yet everything could use
a good shake up in the positive direction. This is a feeling I've been
toying a lot with and just can't seem to shake. In the grand scheme of
things, I really have nothing to complain about, and am so grateful for
all my blessings, yet I feel so stagnant, like I lack direction and am
not going anywhere real fast. I can't help but think is this all there
is? What's the point of my life as it is right now? I feel very
melancolic, lonely and unclear about what 2 do-prayer might be a good
start, I've not done much of that in a while & this disconnect's surely
playing into my sense of being lost. I actually suspect I may be
resisting prayer because I am feel like my most desired one has been
ignored for the past year-so even though I know all about plans
unfolding on God's own timing, even though I know He holds me in the
palm of his hands and knows better than I do, I can't help but feel
impatient and dissapointed...I need to do some major shifting there...
in the meantime, I am sitting here with my loneliness...
K.

On Sabotage

"16 years ago,when spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson was first on my show to talk about her book A Return to Love,I asked her why she thought I was having such struggles with my weight. She wrote me a letter saying this:'Until you accept the magnitude of your function, your unconscious mind will sabotage any attempt to show your full magnificence. In fact, if you diet and lose weight, your mind will either put the weight back on or trip you up in some other area. In order to lose weight on a permanent basis, you want a shift in your belief about who and what you are. This is the miracle you seek.'"- Oprah

I am thriving to make this shift, but boy is it challenging to remain focused. I seem to be a one track minded person-if I am on weight management, I will neglect work, if I am invested in work then I tend to skip workouts-balancing things out, finding a just balance is one of my main challenges. It is also the loophole through which my sabotaging self operates. I am not even sure how to handle this, I would go with the flow of things if it wasn't detrimental to my work and my weight. Jusdging by Marianne's quote above, I need a miracle-I need to shift my perception of who and what I am. I've been taping the course in miracles class she gives on XM everyday, but not taking it per say, I want to do that when I go on vacation in August, but maybe I need to start now, make some time for more inner work. It can only be good.

How do you guys achieve balance and stay focused and excited about EVERYTHING that goes on in our lives?

K.

Maxi dress

I was sitting on the bus this past Monday, minding my won business when
I caught a glimpse of this dress on some woman walking down the
street...gorgeous maxi dress, very much in style this summer. I feel
good wearing them cause they agree with my shape and flatter it. I
normally walk up to people who are wearing something I like, pay them
the obligatory compliment, then ask them where they got it-this time I
couldn't cause I was on the bus right? That same evening, waiting in
line to catch my bus home, some other woman passes me, looking to be in
a big rish, wearing the same dress! Now what are the odds of that?
Surely that was a divine sign, pointing out the fact what I too had to
have that dress, right? Problem is I couldn't talk to that woman either,
so I still don't know where to get the dress from. And I've been
obsessed with it ever since. I've surfed all the stores I thought would
carry it, no luck so far. I am about 2 go on the hunt to Target,
Marshalls, TJMaxx & dress barn...when out and about this week end, if u
find a maxi brown dress, with patches of yellow and pink, please hold a
size M, or 14 for me...

And I'm feeling good...

I don't even know why I ever stop working out cause the truth is that
nothing makes me feels as good as exercise. Today I feel like my old
self is back, I am untormented, peaceful, relaxed, full of energy,
everything feels great and I know I owe it all 2 good workouts. It's not
just that I get to sweat things out, it's that being into my routine
gives me that sense of being disciplined and in control. I notice as
soon as I am in this state of balance, I tend to watch my finances, and
just be on top of various aspects of my life, so Exercise is THE remedy
for me, the key to my equilibrium, I must prioritize it like I've done
the past 2 years before I fell of the wagon a while ago...I am glad it
didn't take too long a detour back to 300 lbs to snap back into this
knowing. I am also glad I went thru this experience which made me
realize I cannot take any of this for granted, it is a lifelong journey,
it is an exercise in self-management, in awareness & conscious living. I
now realize that falling off is for me, a symbol of having allowed a lot
of distractions in and having checked out of my life...don't want that.
Next time I sense my motivation leaving me, I'll know it's time to pay
attention & deal with whatever issue's sitting on my heart.
K.

218.6

After months of self neglect, I finally weighed myself on Tuesday. What
I saw scared the heck out of me and sent me straight back into
discipline. 218.6 freaking lbs! Like, why, how?...actually I know how,
iLve been eating everything under the sun and then some and have only
sporadically weighed...I suppose that's what you get for that...truth is
I am not all that shocked tho I was hoping against hope that my body was
now so used to a healthy lifestyle, it would process all this excess
unhealthy stuff right out of it, and that it wouldn't really impact my
weight! WRONG...and I am glad I was proven wrong, this let's me know for
sure that I can't fool around with my health & weight and expect no
consequences...I am back to harduous workouts and very clean eating,
lots of water, conscious actions and the good news is that over 3 lbs
are already gone...most likely all water, but I'll take anything I can
get-this morning I fluctuated between 214 & 215, after the scale read
191.4, which I just knew was dead wrong tho I wish it were the
truth...anywho, I am back and am staying the course all the way to my
new goal of 180 this time. I have to get unstuck from whatever it is
that was holding me back all these months. I am figuring that out so
stay tuned for more frequent posts...
K.