A few years ago I was talking to a friend (I'll call her O) about
another friend's impending wedding plans. At the time, O expressed a
feeling of pain that was brought on by discussing these wedding plans. I
remember her saying it's too painful for me to be involved in these
plans, I am happy for the bride and I will show up for the wedding, but
I don't want to be told about plans, I just want to focus on me right
now. Her reaction baffled me until rencently cause I now perfectly
understand how she feels. I understand how you can desire something so
much that the meantime seems unbearable. I can understand why some women
just go with the first guy cause they just want companionship. O and I
had this conversation 6 years ago, when I was 24 and she was 30...today
I am 30 and somewhat walking in her shoos. Like her then, I am healthy,
educated, good job, good person, nice family and friends, overall good
life but can't seem to attract love and that is making me sad...I am sad
that I am beginning to fit the profile of these women who are
accomplished in all areas except romantic love. I am sad that I find
myself at a stage of my life where I need to make decisions concerning
my career, possible move oversease, etc., and I have no anchor, noone
else to take into consideration, nothing that ties me to anything. I
wish I had that soft place to fall on, someone to share with and care
for. Somehow I wish I could partake into the drama of juggling career,
family life, marital issues but this continues to elude me, even when I
feel so close to getting there with this guy seems to have walked right
out of my fantasies, but with whom nothing is taking off after almost a
year of hanging out... I guess I'm feeling discouraged with this whole
love thing to the point of starting to resent hearing about other
people's love stories... they are all just painful reminders of what I
am longing for. Like my friend O, I couldn't care less about what's
going on in other people's lives right now though I am happy for them
and wish everyone well...I just want certain things for myself right
now, and not having them makes me want to retreat even more. I feel this
way despite knowing all about positive thinking, faith and the
importance of acknowledging my blessings. I know I'm supposed give
myself the love I desire, and I do do that. I should focus on what you
have, give thanks for my blessings and be patient...I really do know all
this, well most of the time anyway but I have a hard time believing
these days. So I've decided to just accept where I am and how I feel,
which is to throw a little tantrum cause my prayers have not been
answered. I am just going to sit with my pain and longing and ride this
funk out. You're welcome to join my pity party or just watch. K.
T as in Tantrum
Missing my act
I can hardly believe what I am about to say but I think I'm beginning to
miss some aspects of being fat. Walking through life as a 280 lbs young
woman looking for her marks, you develop coping skills to compensate for
the ways in which you think you are lacking. Some folks act overly
friendly or funny, or go out of their way to accomodate and please or
appear confident. In 10 years of being obese, I developed a good mix of
these and was able to, without giving it much throught, act very
confident even when I was shaking in my boots...since losing +80 lbs
though, I often find myself petrified at the idea of being around
people. I first came to this realization this past November when I
traveled to Ethiopia with a few of my colleagues. One evening we were to
get together for cocktail party was organized and I tell you I searched
high and low for an excuse not to go. I was just mortified at the idea
of attending.
Mind you that I ended up calling a friend all the way in the US as well
as my mother to get a pep talk before I decided to go. Then on Dec 31, I
was again overcome by fear before attending a new year's eve party. So I
got to thinking about the reason for these sudden panicky feelings and
it quietly dawned on me: I am feeling exposed...I lost my safety blanket
and I don't have anything to hide behind anymore, which means I have to
show up authentically, and let people see me...there is no overt reason
not to be authentic anymore, no twisted rationale for it...no need for
performance anymore and that brings up all my insecurities. Once again,
it boils down to self doubt and worries about being inadequate. At the
end of the day, I face this omnipresent issue of not totally believing
in myself. I lack confidence, which is really baffling to me cause I
have everything to be confident and to believe in myself. I am working
on cracking this and will write more about what I uncover. Gosh, there
remains much work to do....everyday is work! But I suppose this is what
it takess to live life authentically.
Random thoughts
My day started wonderfully today. I woke up before the alarm, so got to skip the usual morning startle and bemoan and instead savored my extra snuggle time.
I eased into the day with some prayers and a very good workout.
My initial plan was to spend 20 mins on the tready and then 40 mins on the elliptical cause I had already spent an hour on the tready yesterday-I try not to do back to back days on it as a way of managing my achilles tendonitis- but I ended up walk/jogging for the entire hour. Which is great, makes me absolutely happy and pumped up cause I get my best and hardest workouts from the tready, and the spin bike, but anyhow...I got that good hour in, did lots of weights, specially leg work...these darn hips and thighs will get smaller, so help me GOD! lol.
And now I am at work where an interesting circus is playing...you know the everybody trying to impress the new boss kind of play? yea, that's what's going on. New circumstances make competitive spirits kick in in some. Others like me don't do too well with competition, we have our own selves to contend with, our own fears to get passed...I still can't for the life of me understand why I have such a hard time claiming and occupying the space that is mine. I can't let myself take a back seat again just because I am not clear what my place is supposed to be... I have to define my place and OCCUPY it...I need to elevate myself at work...any insight would be much appreciated.
So...about that new boss
First day with the new boss went well. He was quite busy so I had
minimal contact with him. I did well, carried myself strong... though I
caught a few glimpses of my fearful self...I stuttered and hesitated
some when talking to him... I think it's part shyness, part fear. I
suppose some of this is natural cause like everyone I want to give a
good impression but I also have a tendency of feeling less than in front
of authoritative figures. Again this is part cultural, part family
history...I am trying to overcome and get a grip! The good news is that
I am at least aware of how I respond to these situations... I must now
nurse myself into absolute confidence and above all, remember, I can do
this, I am equipped, I am well able, I am enough...
Let's hear it for second chances!
Last night though I was quite anxious about what I see as a new test for me at work.
See, I get a new boss this week, the 3rd one in 5 years. My experience with the previous two was generally good. Things started well but left me dissapointed and unfulfilled because I never
felt noticed, acknowledged or recognized ...mostly by my own doing. Self doubt, not believing in my own worth and competencies were the main culprit and they sure reflected on my demeanor. And so I doubted, hesitated, recoiled, gave up on occasions and just plain checked out...only emerging at times to seek validation and approval, or to project what I thought would be wanted instead of just being me, my best me.
So I was not taken as seriously and didn't matter as much as I could have. I let fear of being inadequate get the best of me and failed rise.
Thankfully though the universe operates in such a wonderful way that when we sincerely look within and intend to do better, second chances are granted. So after months of working on my physique, mind, spirit, I get to showcase myself all over again. With this new boss, I get
to redefine and re-establish myself professionally. Work is the area where I feel least aligned at
the moment and the one I most want to improve this year. I prayed for improvement in this area and another chance was given to me. Now, I have to be present, consistent and confident enough to will finally feel proud of my professional ways.It won't be easy. It will take breaking a lot of negative and self defeating habits. I will have to be less lenient. I will need to maintain my focus. I will have to be consistently aware and strong. This time however, I have a good coach and friend I can rely on. One that did the work, prepared herself and is willing to do things differently. How good it feels to finally be on my own side...
Debuting my blog!
Hellllloooooo blogging land! I am so excited to join the fun with the
launch my new blog! I've been working with Zoe of chic and sassy designs
to bring it to life and must say I absolutely LOVE what she created! She
did an amazing job of capturing my vision. Truly can't recommend her
services highly enough.
So I am back to blogging... those of you who know me, know I first
caught the blogging bug at the beginning of my weight loss efforts,
exactly 2 years ago today! At the time, I built a make shift blog to
chronicle my journey. It served me well, but for some reason, didn't
make me feel like a true blogger. Maybe because it was password
protected and only known to a handful of people. I eventually lost
interest in that blog a few months back and have not looked back since.
I now think that may have been my way of stepping out of my enclosed
life and into a new phase of my life, one that would not just be about
my weight loss efforts but about all of me. And so I took some time,
enjoyed other people's blogs, and envisioned this new little baby. I
want it to be my daily companion as I keep transforming my body,
renewing my mind, and reaching for higher ground. I invite you to ride
along with me. I'm excited and can't wait to see all that is to come.
K.
Healthwise
| Date | Weight | Change |
| 02/04/08 | ||
| 02/11/08 | ||
| 02/18/08 | ||
| 02/25/08 | ||
| 03/03/08 | ||
| 03/10/08 | ||
| 03/17/08 | ||
| 03/24/08 | ||
| 03/31/08 | ||
| 04/07/08 | ||
| 04/14/08 | ||
| 04/21/08 | ||
| 04/28/08 | ||
| 05/05/08 | ||
| 05/12/08 | ||
| 05/19/08 | ||
| 05/26/08 | ||
| 06/02/08 | ||
| 06/09/08 | ||
| 06/16/08 | ||
| 06/23/08 | ||
| 06/30/08 |
| Date | Waist | Hips | Chest | Left Bicep | Right Bicep | Left Thigh | Right Thigh | Left Calf | Right Calf |
| 02/04/08 | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " |
| 03/03/08 | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " |
| 04/07/08 | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " |
| 05/05/08 | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " |
| 06/02/08 | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " |
| 07/07/08 | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " |
| 08/04/08 | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " |
| 09/01/08 | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " |
| 10/06/08 | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " |
| 11/03/08 | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " |
| 12/01/08 | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " |
| Totals: | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " | " |
