Missing my act

I can hardly believe what I am about to say but I think I'm beginning to
miss some aspects of being fat. Walking through life as a 280 lbs young
woman looking for her marks, you develop coping skills to compensate for
the ways in which you think you are lacking. Some folks act overly
friendly or funny, or go out of their way to accomodate and please or
appear confident. In 10 years of being obese, I developed a good mix of
these and was able to, without giving it much throught, act very
confident even when I was shaking in my boots...since losing +80 lbs
though, I often find myself petrified at the idea of being around
people. I first came to this realization this past November when I
traveled to Ethiopia with a few of my colleagues. One evening we were to
get together for cocktail party was organized and I tell you I searched
high and low for an excuse not to go. I was just mortified at the idea
of attending.
Mind you that I ended up calling a friend all the way in the US as well
as my mother to get a pep talk before I decided to go. Then on Dec 31, I
was again overcome by fear before attending a new year's eve party. So I
got to thinking about the reason for these sudden panicky feelings and
it quietly dawned on me: I am feeling exposed...I lost my safety blanket
and I don't have anything to hide behind anymore, which means I have to
show up authentically, and let people see me...there is no overt reason
not to be authentic anymore, no twisted rationale for it...no need for
performance anymore and that brings up all my insecurities. Once again,
it boils down to self doubt and worries about being inadequate. At the
end of the day, I face this omnipresent issue of not totally believing
in myself. I lack confidence, which is really baffling to me cause I
have everything to be confident and to believe in myself. I am working
on cracking this and will write more about what I uncover. Gosh, there
remains much work to do....everyday is work! But I suppose this is what
it takess to live life authentically.