I miss you mommy & I love you

Sent from my iPhone

On my birthday, I celebrate the woman who made it all possible

Mummy my love,

Today I celebrate the happiest day of your life, my birth.

The weeks leading up to it were charged with emotions! I simply could not bear the thought or fathom going through the day that inextricaly brought us together, without you. You always rushed to be the first to wish it to me, to share our hopes and dreams for me and shower me with blessings-Last year's still ring through my ears. You were sorely missed today, but i made it a good and joyous one. You were never far from my thoughts but for you I stood strong and content because I know it is how you want it to be.

I know you got me through this day, it had to be you and the almighty responding to my cries for help and strength, and for that and so much more, I thank you once again. It was a first in a series of first instances without you, but I know you will continue to carry me through and will walk with me all the days ahead, urging me to pursue every single one of those dreams you had for me. And so I thank you in advance and I march ahead, confident that you are by my side always, and watching over me, proding, guiding, loving me always. I love you and miss you so much!

Your loving daughter

3 months ago today...

I went through the hardest, most painful experience of my life. One
that I always dreaded but didn't expect so soon. I lost my darling
mother, my mum, sister, confidante, nurturer and best friend. A brave
woman of strength, dignity, discipline, courage, faith, resilience,
joy, class, beauty...she just had a way about her and was a force to
be reckoned with. She passed very suddenly, leaving me shocked,
saddened, raw and missing her oh so terribly. I'm grateful for having
had such a blessing of a mum who left no doubt about how much she
loved me and how far she was willing to go & sacrifice for me. I will
love and eternally be grateful for her. I am all that I am thanks to
her and I thank God for her.

I'm fine but very distracted...

So I'm getting back to my primary relationship...should b back posting
soon. Hope everyone's great !

Mantra

Give the Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you and
accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete. Above
all, trust in the slow work of God. Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Wow, I've just read this on http://onceuponadiet.blogspot.com . Love it!
Seems like it should become my mantra as I mostly struggle with being patient and faithful in what is and is on its way. K.

Plan of attack

Ok, so in follow up to what I posted a few hrs ago, I realize I have to
have a plan of attack against my distructive conduct. So tomorrow, July
6 I will do the following:
1. Get my hair done, while there plan meals for the week
2. Stop by the mall and grocery shop for the week
THEN:
3. I will come home and revisit my weight loss blog, journals, biggest
loser, oprah weight loss shows
4. I will have a serious conversation with myself, try to uncover what's
going on and even if I can't quite figure it out, I will
5. Decide to get back and stay on track for the next 5 months.

I am considering rescheduling my august vacation. I think things might
get even worse if I go home for a month, where I am sure to indulge. I
think going in December might be wiser timing. K.

My work around here isn't done

Truth is I may have been too arrogant to think I had acquired full
control over my weight issue. It is now abundantly clear that I still
have a lot of work to do on myself. Yes I've accomplished quite a bit
and transformed my body and mind a lot. But my underlying issues,
whatever they are, are very much alive and kicking. I tamed them for a
while and they cooperated. They lied dormant for amost 2 year, but I
must now admit that I am completely out of control. I can't stay focused
for over 5 days and once I get going, I gorge on everything I can get my
hands on-irrespective of whether I am hgungry or not. It's like I sit
idly by and poof, my mind starts wondering, what more damage could I do
now, what more can I binge on? And without even attempting to stop
myself, I just give into whatever that thought is. Why am I doing this
to myself? What's going on? What am I running from or being anxious
about? Why do I keep sabotaging everything I've worked so hard for in
the past 2 and a half years? Luckily I've still not lost much ground, I
probably gained some 10 lbs which I can drop in no time, but I must
really get a hold and better understanding of what's eating at me.
K.

Lonely

Sitting on the bus, riding home...and this loneliness won't leave me
alone...all's well, nothing to complain about, yet everything could use
a good shake up in the positive direction. This is a feeling I've been
toying a lot with and just can't seem to shake. In the grand scheme of
things, I really have nothing to complain about, and am so grateful for
all my blessings, yet I feel so stagnant, like I lack direction and am
not going anywhere real fast. I can't help but think is this all there
is? What's the point of my life as it is right now? I feel very
melancolic, lonely and unclear about what 2 do-prayer might be a good
start, I've not done much of that in a while & this disconnect's surely
playing into my sense of being lost. I actually suspect I may be
resisting prayer because I am feel like my most desired one has been
ignored for the past year-so even though I know all about plans
unfolding on God's own timing, even though I know He holds me in the
palm of his hands and knows better than I do, I can't help but feel
impatient and dissapointed...I need to do some major shifting there...
in the meantime, I am sitting here with my loneliness...
K.

On Sabotage

"16 years ago,when spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson was first on my show to talk about her book A Return to Love,I asked her why she thought I was having such struggles with my weight. She wrote me a letter saying this:'Until you accept the magnitude of your function, your unconscious mind will sabotage any attempt to show your full magnificence. In fact, if you diet and lose weight, your mind will either put the weight back on or trip you up in some other area. In order to lose weight on a permanent basis, you want a shift in your belief about who and what you are. This is the miracle you seek.'"- Oprah

I am thriving to make this shift, but boy is it challenging to remain focused. I seem to be a one track minded person-if I am on weight management, I will neglect work, if I am invested in work then I tend to skip workouts-balancing things out, finding a just balance is one of my main challenges. It is also the loophole through which my sabotaging self operates. I am not even sure how to handle this, I would go with the flow of things if it wasn't detrimental to my work and my weight. Jusdging by Marianne's quote above, I need a miracle-I need to shift my perception of who and what I am. I've been taping the course in miracles class she gives on XM everyday, but not taking it per say, I want to do that when I go on vacation in August, but maybe I need to start now, make some time for more inner work. It can only be good.

How do you guys achieve balance and stay focused and excited about EVERYTHING that goes on in our lives?

K.

Maxi dress

I was sitting on the bus this past Monday, minding my won business when
I caught a glimpse of this dress on some woman walking down the
street...gorgeous maxi dress, very much in style this summer. I feel
good wearing them cause they agree with my shape and flatter it. I
normally walk up to people who are wearing something I like, pay them
the obligatory compliment, then ask them where they got it-this time I
couldn't cause I was on the bus right? That same evening, waiting in
line to catch my bus home, some other woman passes me, looking to be in
a big rish, wearing the same dress! Now what are the odds of that?
Surely that was a divine sign, pointing out the fact what I too had to
have that dress, right? Problem is I couldn't talk to that woman either,
so I still don't know where to get the dress from. And I've been
obsessed with it ever since. I've surfed all the stores I thought would
carry it, no luck so far. I am about 2 go on the hunt to Target,
Marshalls, TJMaxx & dress barn...when out and about this week end, if u
find a maxi brown dress, with patches of yellow and pink, please hold a
size M, or 14 for me...

And I'm feeling good...

I don't even know why I ever stop working out cause the truth is that
nothing makes me feels as good as exercise. Today I feel like my old
self is back, I am untormented, peaceful, relaxed, full of energy,
everything feels great and I know I owe it all 2 good workouts. It's not
just that I get to sweat things out, it's that being into my routine
gives me that sense of being disciplined and in control. I notice as
soon as I am in this state of balance, I tend to watch my finances, and
just be on top of various aspects of my life, so Exercise is THE remedy
for me, the key to my equilibrium, I must prioritize it like I've done
the past 2 years before I fell of the wagon a while ago...I am glad it
didn't take too long a detour back to 300 lbs to snap back into this
knowing. I am also glad I went thru this experience which made me
realize I cannot take any of this for granted, it is a lifelong journey,
it is an exercise in self-management, in awareness & conscious living. I
now realize that falling off is for me, a symbol of having allowed a lot
of distractions in and having checked out of my life...don't want that.
Next time I sense my motivation leaving me, I'll know it's time to pay
attention & deal with whatever issue's sitting on my heart.
K.

218.6

After months of self neglect, I finally weighed myself on Tuesday. What
I saw scared the heck out of me and sent me straight back into
discipline. 218.6 freaking lbs! Like, why, how?...actually I know how,
iLve been eating everything under the sun and then some and have only
sporadically weighed...I suppose that's what you get for that...truth is
I am not all that shocked tho I was hoping against hope that my body was
now so used to a healthy lifestyle, it would process all this excess
unhealthy stuff right out of it, and that it wouldn't really impact my
weight! WRONG...and I am glad I was proven wrong, this let's me know for
sure that I can't fool around with my health & weight and expect no
consequences...I am back to harduous workouts and very clean eating,
lots of water, conscious actions and the good news is that over 3 lbs
are already gone...most likely all water, but I'll take anything I can
get-this morning I fluctuated between 214 & 215, after the scale read
191.4, which I just knew was dead wrong tho I wish it were the
truth...anywho, I am back and am staying the course all the way to my
new goal of 180 this time. I have to get unstuck from whatever it is
that was holding me back all these months. I am figuring that out so
stay tuned for more frequent posts...
K.

O so silent

But doing real well. Sorry I've been so quiet in the past month...so
thankful for those of you who checked up on me. I have been so into my
work that I've essentially neglected everything else, even disconnecting
from my trusty blogger friends...I am catching up on you guys and am
glad to see everyone's doing fairly well...it's good 2 be back online,
now to stay consistent...
K.

My romantic delusions

It's that guy's birthday. You know the one I've been having a
"relationship" with all by myself, all in my mind. I've not talked to
him in about a month, and last saw him back in January. But him & his
bday have been on my mind much like these thoughts/wishes of us getting
together are.
What can I say? Even I don't understand my own irrationality, but
anyway, I started the day with a prayer for him, the underlying theme of
which was that he would please please see the error of his ways when it
comes to his relationship with me, lol...no just kidding. I blessed &
released him to whatever good the world has for him and then I called
him, lol. Left him a nice upbeat message for his bday which I am sure
was a complete surprise to him cause we never really talked about the
date, but I remembered it...so anyway, left my nice message and then got
a text message back some 5 hrs later thanking me and asking me how I
knew. Text message. Yea I know. You needn't even say anything, though
you probably should just to knock some sense into me. I am trying not to
qualify the fact that he texted instead of calling, trying not to
project judgement on to what it means but I think it's pretty clear that
people who are well mannered and slightly appreciative of their
relationships would call back.. Wow...is all I can say... anyway I slice
it, this just doesn't seem considerate...Wow.

well....

I am not sure how to even say this but I was basically back on the waggon for about half a minute today. I started out struggling to get out of bed for my 6 a.m workout, got an hour done on the elliptical, had a bunch of healthy meals but then all hell broke loose around 4pm when I ate 4 packs of those 100 cals snack packs in one seating for no special hunger, no particular reason, except maybe to sabotage myself yet again.
I tell you I am growing increasingly annoyed with this stubborn lack of focus that seems to have overtaken me. And because those 400 cals weren't enough damage, I topped it all off by eating a very big MCDonalds for diner!
yep! I am in desperate need to examine what's going on and truly commit to staying the course and finishing off this weight loss effort. I can't lose any ground, can't afford that...so it's high time I got a grip!
K.

Sprung into fashion!

Gosh the week end's already over... it's amazing how week ends just zoom by and before you know it, it's back to work! I had a good one, got caught up on my shows and sleep, relaxed, did some work and went shopping. That I had to do to with some sense of urgency to supplement my 6 outfits wardrobe, lol. No kidding, I really only have a handful of work outfits which is quite a change considering I had quite the extensive size 24 wardrobe. I mean my closet was just overflowing with clothes for the past few years, which I now realize was pretty much a reflexion of some out of control spending and shopping. There really is a direct correlation between how we feel and the stae of our weight, shopping, finances, etc. it all dawned on me in the course of losing 80+ lbs, after which I got rid of my oversized wardrobe, paid off all my debt and decided to limit my wardrobe to a few classical items until I reached goal weight...I am glad I went through this cause it made me realize I really didn't need all that stuff. Well I am still not at goal and since getting there is taking a bit longer than expected, I decided to just work with what i got at the moment. I want to dress up and embrace exactly where I am right now so I began exploring spring and summer 2008 fashions. The new styles look decent. I can't quite tell what the exact summer look is supposed to be but I am hunting for stuff that works with my very pear shaped body. I got a few classy but sassy cuts for work...they flatter my body I think so I am gonna rock them next week. I had no idea this post was going to turn into a fashion commentary, I had actually set out to blog about regrouping and getting back on track with my workouts and food...Now that I got so far off course, I suppose I'll save that for tomorrow, lol. have a great week everyone! K.

It is almost all well...

I am not blogging much these days though I really want and to. Blogging helps me stay in touch with me and remain accountable but I’ve simply been too busy at work helping the new boss get settled into his functions. Things are going real well between him and I, he’s steadily giving me more responsibilities, involving me, appreciating my work, and that just feels great! And fuels me to such a degree that I am like consumed, lol… the more he assigns to me, the more I want to excel and prove myself, and so everything currently revolves around my work. I know those of you who read what I posted when the new boss came last month will think: be careful what you wish for cause you might just get it… last month I was indeed wishing for a chance to rise to the occasion and prove myself to be a formidable team player. I felt like I was not where or who I wanted to be at work, and was hoping to establish myself once and for all. Well it looks like that is happening and that makes me quite happy. It’s providing a great distraction from all that negativity I was letting in, all that wishing, questioning, etc.
I must keep this going and make sure I get a grip on this pattern I have of getting so excited and consumed by my work that I loose sleep to the point that the slightest little thought of work that occurs to me when I get up to pee at night will keep me up for an hour. This is so annoying cause I end up not sleeping enough and having an excuse not to workout in the morning cause I need more sleep. So I really need to figure out a way of calming myself down and leaving work at work.
Speaking of working out, I notice that I am less and less focused on my diet and exercise. My days are so intense I end up giving myself permission to indulge in little treats to reward/comfort myself---I am basically struggling to keep up and remain focus on all important aspects of my life. I need to find a balance real quick cause I cannot afford to lose ground on either my weight loss or this momentum at work. Tomorrow will mark a week of not working out after I had gotten my groove back. A lot of it is due to work, but frankly I have no excuse for not doing it yesterday and today nor can I explain eating that whole apple pie and ice cream all by myself not to mention the fact that I have already rationalized not working out tomorrow either, cause hey I cannot not stay be up late to watch the returns from the Mississippi primary and the late night shows that are sure to mock the NY Governor sex scandal, God forbid should I miss those, LOL. I know I could tape them and watch later but then what would I chat about around the office watercooler tomorrow????
So I suppose I have no choice but to give myself tomorrow but then I have to get back on track on Thursday and stay the course till my birthday, which just happens to be the day of the next primary in Pennsylvania, April 22nd! i love that date! Think I can lose 10 lbs by then?

My first tag!

So I've been tagged! My friend Lisa(http://theskinnyonline.blogspot.com/) did the honors, and this is my very first. I usually don't like Forwards and the likes but I think this is supposed to be a fun thing in blogland, so I'll play along.

Here Are The Rules:
1. Once you are tagged, link back to the person who tagged you.
2. Post THESE RULES on your blog.
3. Post 7 weird or random facts about yourself on your blog.
4. Tag 7 people and link to them.
5. Comment on their blog to let them know they have been tagged.

7 weird or random facts about me:

1. I am 30 and I still suck my thumb. Always have, my mum says it showed on her sonogram when she was carrying me and is one of the first things I did coming out of her womb. No one managed to make me stop as a child and I have no intention of ever stopping. It centers me, helps me relax and focus sometimes. Plus it provides good practice...

2.My last suggestive sentence might make it hard to believe that I am actually quite a prude. BELIEVE ME, not by choice, that's just how things played out. But I am no nun either. I"d define myself as a complex mix of liberalism and conservatism.

3. My best friend's a guy I met through some guy I "dated" about 8 years ago. Some guy and I had met over the internet, he was weird, I let him go, but his childhood friend became my best friend. I like to think that the only reason I ever met Internet guy was for him to introduce me to my friend.

4.Come to think of it I've never really had a boyfriend...uhmm.

5. I barely know the city & country I was born in and am a citizen of (London, UK). In fact, I consciously only remember 7 full days of my life there.

6. I sometimes dream of things or get a signal of things to come in my dreams. This caused some recent emotional turmoil, cause my interpretation of dreams lead me to get ahead of myself and was left feeling dissapointed.

7. I pray in different languages and creeds. So it is not uncommon for me to go from English to French, Wolof or Arabic in one prayer session.

I actually enjoyed this little excercise. I thought I'd struggled to come up with 7 weird/random things, but I find myself wanting to say more. I am passing the fun on to:

1.Lady T @ http://2whommuchisgiven.blogspot.com/
2. Martse @ http://takeupyourbedandwalk.wordpress.com/
3.Tully @ http://prettyif.blogspot.com/
4.Lululeelee @ http://lululeelee.wordpress.com/
5. Fat as Hell@http://justoofat.wordpress.com/
6.Elizabeth @ http://creamynougatlair.com/
7. Fat Bridesmaid @ http://afatbridesmaid.blogspot.com/

As the weekend turned...

2 weekends ago, I confidently shared my plan to take a break from
dieting and enjoy some good food with friends. Well I did that. Food
was great, company equally as good, but the break from dieting didn't
stop at the end of the week end...it's still kinda going on.
I've completely lost focus and I can't quite understand why. All I know
is that I just haven't had a care. All that food and sugar it contains
drained me of all enegergy, I slept for hours after consuming it and
still struggled to get out of bed. 2 weeks later, I am still struggling
to get back into the groove of things. I took a spinning class
yesterday, was a bit rough, but felt great. Today? I slept and didn't
bother working out. This needs to stop. I am carrying a good 30 extra
lbs that I DO NOT want on me at the end of this year. So it's time to
regroup and stay on this thing.I must make it happen tomorrow. MUST.

Not escaping it...

A few days ago, I wrote to one of my blogger friends that I don't want to
hear about Valentine's day. That I'd pretend it doesn't exist. I might as
well, cause this holiday's never meant what society defines it to be for
me...Granted I've made it an occasion to celebrate myself and buy me some
flowers. I even made it a point to wear red on past valentine days but to
this day, it's just never worked out as a celebration of my romatic love
for someone. I've been ok with this, but I can feel it getting to me this
year...last year I felt a bit of excitement & hope. This year, zilch! I
didn't bother wearing red, though I am carrying a red tote bag, same one I
have for months so I suppose it can't count as a special expression of
love, lol. As much as I am trying to float above society's pressure, I know
I am a tad bothered by the fact that I am yet again single on this day. Add
to it my dissapointement at not receiving any special attention from my
"love interest" though I knew it was a far fetched hope. You would think
this knowledge would have stopped me from playing out in my mind how I was
gonna receive a call from him asking me to lunch today...and rehearsing how
I'd casually react to the invite as if I hadn't realize he was asking me
out on Valentine's day...on the off chance that this fantasy would actually
come true, I wore quite a flattering outfit that makes me feel great but
helas, no news from him as I sit here past 4.45PM.
Poor thing, why do I keep doing this to myself? hoping and expecting
things, when I have a good sense they won't materialize. So much projecting
and expecting...only to end up flattened like some pierced balloon....When
do I get to be totally content with my circumstances? When do I start truly
acting like I am and have enough? popular advice is that I need to love
myself, give myself the love I am craving...but I feel like I already have
pretty decent love for myself. I do loving things for myself, I'm kind to
me, I talk nice to me, so I dont believe that longing for romatic love
means I have issues. What's so wrong with wanting someone who choses me and
wants to be with me? is it really so wrong?

We now interrupt all dieting activities

Diets are about decisions. At each moment chosing the good versus the
easy. This week end I'm choosing the REAL guuud and tasty! Lol. The kind
of soul food I love, and I won't even feel bad about it. I'm having
guests over and making chicken yassa which is an uhm uhm good west
african meal.
I will workout hard on Sunday to stave off any potential weight gain.
That won't be hard cause I take an hour long spinning class on sundays
which I LOVE. It works me out so hard and leaves me with a great sense
of accomplishment and possibility... once I get that out of the way, you
better believe I will eat lots. The good thing about the lifestyle
change I've been on is that I've learned to manage these feasts. My
philosophy for getting thru them simply is: give yourself license to
enjoy the food by making sure you workout first and foremost. When
that's said and done, eat without feeling one ounce of guilt, then get
right back on track. So long as this one meal doesn't turn into one week
or a month of unhealthy choices, there won't be any lasting effect on my
body and I'd have had a great time. Good week end to all!

I am a doubt a minute!

I was gonna wait till tomorrow to blog but I'm tossing and turning in my bed...pondering things...so I figured I might as well blog now.
First of all, I hope everyone's having a great start of a week. So far so good on my side...I'm a little more assured this week so that can only be good. Laying in bed just a few mins ago, I was revisiting a conversation I had with my mum earlier today in which I kept negating
some positive assessment she was making of one of my situations...ok,ok, I'll say it, lol. She was telling me that she believes this guy I really like likes me a lot too, and I kept saying no no I don't think so. In the end, she asked, well do you not believe your dreams then? I responded no I don't anymore. She said, well ok then and left it at that. Reflecting back on this sentence a few mins ago, it dawned on me that this lack of belief on the cosmic and conscious realms really is
the recurring theme of my life... doubt in myself, life, what is promised to me, what I am worth, what I can do...it really is the source of every discomfort in my life. I mean even today my new boss told me that I should have warned him about something my gut had told me a week
ago...instead, I thought it wasn't my place and it would be inappropriate for me to say...again that ever present doubt, my most faithful companion, always there, never failing to limit me and raise up barriers...
So this is it. Every time I have felt bad in the past months, in fact the only times I felt bad, were when I let doubt get the best of me. Those are the times I dismiss my dreams as silly, unrealistic and unattainable. Dreams are so closely entertwined with hope, faith, joyful anticipation and excitement for the future-having them, believing in them means dwelling in possibility while eagerly awaiting their manifestation. But I'm so doubtful of them I wonder how I could truly
manifest them when I emanate such confusing signals. One day I'm assured, the next I can't possibly believe in any of them...yet I hold the belief that there is a reason certain dreams are placed in us, they are there because we can realize them...I must hold on to this belief and apply it to my daily life. I must learn to maintain positivity. I want to be consistently upbeat, fueled by some bold faith in possibility and an equally strong internal dialogue...I need to get to the root of my doubtfulness...I have strong reasons to believe the person who initiated this reflection today played an important part at the onset...gotta love our mothers, they were there at the beginning of EVERYTHING...lol.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

It's actually pouring in the NYC area but the title has more to do with
the fact that I'm in much better spirits after yesterday's tantrum, lol.
Don't get me wrong, I am still yearning for romantic love and a number
of other things. I simply have a more positive outlook on things today
and that feels good. I don't mean to toot my own horn here but I must
really command myself for quickly coming out of that funk...this
bouncing back is directly attributable to all the work I've been doing
on myself in the past 2 years...I am constantly feeding myself powerful
principles, thriving to live by them, challenging my beliefs, molding
myself, creating and practicing new thought and behavioral patterns all
of which seems to be paying off! I seem to find comfort in my new
beliefs despite myself. It's as if I can't stay down for long. Picture a
boxing game between old and new thoughts, in which my old thinking and
way of being in the world just isn't a match to my news ways...so even
when I let my guards down, and catch a punch...when I allow negative
thoughts to creep in, my core isn't in agreement with the negativity so
I can't dwell in it too long. Something in me just rises up, my internal
dialogue shifts back towards more positive thoughts, I somehow stumble
on EXACTLY what I need to hear, see or read...and that wink from the
universe doesn't go unnoticed...so I bounce back and my faith is
restored...for now...cause I totally expect this tantrum to revisit at
some point, till I figure out how to be completely at peace with my life
as it is...I suppose this is life so I'll try to embrace it. I'm game,
lol. I must remember the saying that I have all the happiness that I
need, if I don't disturb it. Worrying, is totally disturbing my gifts of
peace serenity and happiness. It won't get me anywhere healthy....SO I
shall continue to flex my patience and surrender muscles...
I tell ya, everyday IS work!

T as in Tantrum

A few years ago I was talking to a friend (I'll call her O) about
another friend's impending wedding plans. At the time, O expressed a
feeling of pain that was brought on by discussing these wedding plans. I
remember her saying it's too painful for me to be involved in these
plans, I am happy for the bride and I will show up for the wedding, but
I don't want to be told about plans, I just want to focus on me right
now. Her reaction baffled me until rencently cause I now perfectly
understand how she feels. I understand how you can desire something so
much that the meantime seems unbearable. I can understand why some women
just go with the first guy cause they just want companionship. O and I
had this conversation 6 years ago, when I was 24 and she was 30...today
I am 30 and somewhat walking in her shoos. Like her then, I am healthy,
educated, good job, good person, nice family and friends, overall good
life but can't seem to attract love and that is making me sad...I am sad
that I am beginning to fit the profile of these women who are
accomplished in all areas except romantic love. I am sad that I find
myself at a stage of my life where I need to make decisions concerning
my career, possible move oversease, etc., and I have no anchor, noone
else to take into consideration, nothing that ties me to anything. I
wish I had that soft place to fall on, someone to share with and care
for. Somehow I wish I could partake into the drama of juggling career,
family life, marital issues but this continues to elude me, even when I
feel so close to getting there with this guy seems to have walked right
out of my fantasies, but with whom nothing is taking off after almost a
year of hanging out... I guess I'm feeling discouraged with this whole
love thing to the point of starting to resent hearing about other
people's love stories... they are all just painful reminders of what I
am longing for. Like my friend O, I couldn't care less about what's
going on in other people's lives right now though I am happy for them
and wish everyone well...I just want certain things for myself right
now, and not having them makes me want to retreat even more. I feel this
way despite knowing all about positive thinking, faith and the
importance of acknowledging my blessings. I know I'm supposed give
myself the love I desire, and I do do that. I should focus on what you
have, give thanks for my blessings and be patient...I really do know all
this, well most of the time anyway but I have a hard time believing
these days. So I've decided to just accept where I am and how I feel,
which is to throw a little tantrum cause my prayers have not been
answered. I am just going to sit with my pain and longing and ride this
funk out. You're welcome to join my pity party or just watch. K.

Missing my act

I can hardly believe what I am about to say but I think I'm beginning to
miss some aspects of being fat. Walking through life as a 280 lbs young
woman looking for her marks, you develop coping skills to compensate for
the ways in which you think you are lacking. Some folks act overly
friendly or funny, or go out of their way to accomodate and please or
appear confident. In 10 years of being obese, I developed a good mix of
these and was able to, without giving it much throught, act very
confident even when I was shaking in my boots...since losing +80 lbs
though, I often find myself petrified at the idea of being around
people. I first came to this realization this past November when I
traveled to Ethiopia with a few of my colleagues. One evening we were to
get together for cocktail party was organized and I tell you I searched
high and low for an excuse not to go. I was just mortified at the idea
of attending.
Mind you that I ended up calling a friend all the way in the US as well
as my mother to get a pep talk before I decided to go. Then on Dec 31, I
was again overcome by fear before attending a new year's eve party. So I
got to thinking about the reason for these sudden panicky feelings and
it quietly dawned on me: I am feeling exposed...I lost my safety blanket
and I don't have anything to hide behind anymore, which means I have to
show up authentically, and let people see me...there is no overt reason
not to be authentic anymore, no twisted rationale for it...no need for
performance anymore and that brings up all my insecurities. Once again,
it boils down to self doubt and worries about being inadequate. At the
end of the day, I face this omnipresent issue of not totally believing
in myself. I lack confidence, which is really baffling to me cause I
have everything to be confident and to believe in myself. I am working
on cracking this and will write more about what I uncover. Gosh, there
remains much work to do....everyday is work! But I suppose this is what
it takess to live life authentically.

Random thoughts

My day started wonderfully today. I woke up before the alarm, so got to skip the usual morning startle and bemoan and instead savored my extra snuggle time.
I eased into the day with some prayers and a very good workout.
My initial plan was to spend 20 mins on the tready and then 40 mins on the elliptical cause I had already spent an hour on the tready yesterday-I try not to do back to back days on it as a way of managing my achilles tendonitis- but I ended up walk/jogging for the entire hour. Which is great, makes me absolutely happy and pumped up cause I get my best and hardest workouts from the tready, and the spin bike, but anyhow...I got that good hour in, did lots of weights, specially leg work...these darn hips and thighs will get smaller, so help me GOD! lol.
And now I am at work where an interesting circus is playing...you know the everybody trying to impress the new boss kind of play? yea, that's what's going on. New circumstances make competitive spirits kick in in some. Others like me don't do too well with competition, we have our own selves to contend with, our own fears to get passed...I still can't for the life of me understand why I have such a hard time claiming and occupying the space that is mine. I can't let myself take a back seat again just because I am not clear what my place is supposed to be... I have to define my place and OCCUPY it...I need to elevate myself at work...any insight would be much appreciated.